I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder how my kids are going to make it through this life without me completely screwing them up. Because to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. And as my children get older and enter new phases of life, I almost have to re-learn how to be a mom. And to teach them. And to set them on a course of success.
Sometimes I'm delusional, and convince myself I'm a good mom. But then days like today happen, and I have to stop and say a little prayer "Please God, let them turn out okay despite my lack of parenting skills". Because truly, sometimes I have no.idea.what.to.do.
Jaida. Dear Jaida. Love her. To death. And wouldn't trade her for anything. But she's stubborn. And controlling. And has a mind of her own. And has recently decided she doesn't want to go to school anymore (or primary). So when carpool comes to get her, she refuses to get in the car. And when I'm holding Carter, and have Mya hanging on my leg, it's a little difficult (and embarrassing) to try and force her in the car and make her stay. And I'm at a complete loss for what to do.
I threaten (not with bodily harm....yet). I make promises. No reward or punishment is good enough or seems to matter at all. Because she's going to do what she wants to do. And I admire that. And I hate it.
So today I had to drive her myself (after I excused the carpool). And she wouldn't get out of the car. So I unbuckled all the kids, and pulled her in. Because if I let her stay home today, it will just be worse tomorrow. She sobbed the entire way. And her teacher had to peel her off me. And I ran from the room. And then stopped in the hall and thought to myself "Really? Really?"
No idea. I've asked if something happend. But she also likes to lie, so I have no idea what's truth and what's not.
And she has agency. And I'm kinda sorta not liking it.
Wish me luck in the future. Because today, I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible mom that has no idea how to persuade my child to do what has to be done.
Hopefully telling them I love them and giving them lots of hugs makes up for a lot of other things. 'Cause right now, that's all I've got.